Every time we speak we take a risk. Words are part of our souls that we share with others. Even fake words that don’t really say what we believe or the ones by which we try to hide how we feel have autonomy and may reveal us without our control. I saw someone weep with frustration at the perceived inadequacy of words as she tried to say something wonderful to people she felt might understand. Even as we were moved by the beauty of the thought and the music of the word she reached for more and agonized to tell her story in fullness. This is how it is when we know it matters.
I had tea with two of my favorite people the other day and we started talking about this a little. They have seen me speak many times, and saw me visibly nervous only once: when I spoke at their wedding. I thought about all the times that I had been nervous for a talk and tried to articulate a thread. There were only two other times that I could recall in recent memory. One was when I spoke at an orientation event for new colleagues. I remember remarking to the event organizer at my surprise at just how jittery I felt; after so many years of public speaking I would have thought that I’d be used to it! Her insight? “These are your peers. You care very much what they think of you.”
The only other occasion was not about “speaking” although it was still very much about words — it was my months-long trepidation at starting this blog.
It is said that Abu Haneefa, the great Muslim theologian and jurist at one point suffered from some pain in his legs and preferred to extend them straight in front of him as he sat in his circle to teach. When his circle was attended by an older gentleman whose face and manner of dress and comportment exuded respectability and commanded reverence, Abu Haneefa sat with his legs tucked under him out of respect to this gentleman. As he lectured to his students he began to discuss prayer times. “The dawn prayer,” Abu Haneefa instructed “may be performed any time after the first pervasive thread of light is seen on the horizon and before the sun actually rises.” The man then raised the question, “What should be done if the sun were to rise before the first light appeared on the horizon?” To which Abu Haneefa replied, “Then, Abu Haneefa should be able to extend his legs!”
Generally, if my primary concern is the communication of an idea, I feel that I can do a reasonable job. But if I am also concerned with identifying myself or sharing an emotion then the quest is perilous. I have no idea who may be reading these words. It is quite likely that at some point someone wanders onto these pages who has never met me, knows nothing about me. What, if anything, will they surf away with? What impression will they form upon reading a single post? Does it matter? Will it matter? Will they care?
It mattered to me. Just as it mattered to be understood by my colleagues, and just as it mattered for the newlyweds to feel, not just know, how deeply I cared for them. Just as it mattered for one speaker with one group to get her story out — mattered so much she wept.
Seventy-five percent of all Americans report having a fear of public speaking, beating out fear of spiders, fear of the dark, and even fear of death. It should be seen as a blessing when you dont fall into that category. It’s also quite normal, according to social psychology research, to more nervous than usual when presenting to those that are peers in one’s profession. Do you do a lot of non-religious presentations? If the proportion of Islamic talks (khutbahs, speeches) is much higher than other talks, then that might also be a source of some anxiety…
Jazaakallahu khayran both for the reassurance and the data. I find these data very interesting - can you supply me citations? Especially on the 2nd part.
I do give non-religious presentations and al-hamdulillah usually no problem. I do agree with your analysis though, and I think it links directly to what I’ve concluded at least about my own experience: i have grown accustomed to the purely communicative or message-oriented part of it. But when the communication has to serve an additional function (besides articulating a message) then there’s more pressure.
I look forward to getting these research citations. And a big JAK for the comments.
Words at Risk….
i couldnt help but remember your office after reading this.
that is a place where it really matters what i say. MashaAllah.
[note i didnt say , “…where what i say really matters”]
When it matters what you say it will matter to others to listen… (not that what I say really matters :D )
Are we possibly tapping into a nice secret behind the non prepared respected talks or Dr. H… I think this is an interesting matter.